I find large business social functions very difficult. They tend to be full of self-important people showing off and getting drunk: they call it networking.
In theory, you are meant to be nice to people at such events. I’ve tried being nice and found it is very hard work and I am not very good at it.
I have, however, found three questions which quickly help me find out who I want to talk to, while successfully irritating the pompous types I would rather ignore:
- Question 1: “What do you do?” This is a neutral start. It allows people to talk about their favourite subject: themselves. The pompous types tend to give the game away immediately. They do not tell me what they do: they tell me how important they are by saying that they are a Senior/Executive Vice President or Director at MegaBucks. Interesting people tell me what they actually do. Whatever people actually do, be it cleaning toilets, pawn broking or exploring the Antarctic, they have interesting stories to tell. The more they talk, the more I learn.
- Question 2 — For the pompous types who failed Question 1: “So what is it you actually do in that role?” Some people make a miraculous recovery and become interesting again. Many others tell me more about how important they are. They meet important people (name drop), travel (place drop) and have big budgets and, by implication, big d***ks. For these people, I have to resort to the killer question.
- Question 3: “So do you enjoy your job?” Anyone who has answered question 1 well, will already be exuding enthusiasm and passion for what they do. There is no need to ask them this question. The pompous types have never even thought of this question. They are so focused on being important, that nothing else matters. If question 2 makes them stop and think, question 3 creates total mental meltdown. It is a joy to watch.
As a result of this I have a network of interesting, but not necessarily important, people. That suits me well. More successful networkers learn to let people talk about themselves. Good networkers will gush enthusiastically over the trivial triumphs and self-important nonsense their targets talk about, in the same way that a parent indulges a ten year old. Flattery always works, if you have the stomach for it.
